The Ultimate Catch 22

Every day I thank God for those dads that instill low self-esteem in their daughters, for without them there would be no adult entertainment industry.

After all, if there was no adult entertainment industry, where would I go to do research for my next detective novel?

And, judging by how many porn stars and topless dancers there are out there, lots of daddies must be doing a good job.

Here's how I think it works: Daughter does something to make daddy notice; daddy ignores. Daughter feels unloved, so she does more to impress daddy; daddy ignores. It's a downward spiral that continues throughout childhood as daugther unsuccessfully tries to get daddy to show her that he loves her, and when he doesn't, she begins to feel that she is not worthy of love.

Then, she hits puberty, and suddenly lots of other guys out there are interested in her ... at least what she can show them.

It prepares her perfectly for a career earning a living one dollar at a time.

And, it keeps plastic surgeons driving fancy Italian sports cars and Dow Corning producing more silicone, which is good for the economy.

But, believe it or not, there is a down side to low self-esteem as well.

For, Low Self-Esteem Woman repeats the daddy/daughter pattern in all of her love relationships: She keeps seeking out guys who won't love her, and tries to make them love her so she can prove to herself that she is lovable.

Not a problem for all those assholes out there that treat women like shit. Their futures are pretty secure as women endlessly try to get them to love them.

But, it's the ultimate Catch 22 of love for nice guys who end up getting screwed:

Faced with a choice between two guys, Low Self-Esteem Woman says to herself:

"Guy Number One won't show me love, therefore he must be worthy of my love;"

"Guy Number Two loves me, and since I am not worthy of love, and he loves me, he must not be worthy of my love."

"I'll take Guy Number One."

So, you have the setup for the perfect love triangle, especially when Guy Number Two is Low Self-Esteem Guy, who always picks the most beautiful woman in the room, and then decides he needs to get her to love him.

Especially when, in my experience, in what may be the greatest of cosmic ironies, the most beautiful woman in the room is also Low Self-Esteem Woman.

Making me just like them, as I keep seeking out women who won't love me, and trying to make them love me so I can prove to myself that I am lovable.

Damn you, self-awareness!!!

My female coworkers said my internet personals profile was too sweet and sappy, so I asked them to write one for me. Here it is:

Self-Centered Metro-Sexual Writer Desperately Seeks Rich, Refined Woman To Support Him

She must have at least 4 children and want more children with me. She must enjoy being pregnant and be emotionally needy.

She must listen to my every word intently, and put me on a pedestal and worship me constantly. She must be financially able to provide the lifestyle to which I am accustomed, yet not complain about my freeloading.

I need someone with a high IQ, but not one that exceeds mine, which is impossible, since mine is so high.
We can discuss your faults, but since I have none we won't be discussing mine.

Since I am going through my mid-life crisis, I'm trying to impress women with my flashy sports car and speed boat, so don't complain when I spend every spare moment polishing them.

I prefer a tall blonde but a short brunette with green eyes will do if she is hot enough. Age is not important, but I prefer someone who looks like a high school cheerleader and will role play.

Unacceptable women are the following: Weight over 120 pounds (because that is all I can carry to the bedroom), red or brown hair (especially with brown eyes), country girls, women that speak their mind, or women who have an opinion different than my own.

I prefer a long term commitment preferably after the first date, but a one-night stand is not out of the question.

I prefer someone who has a ravenous appetite, and likes variety in the menu, but anything you bring to the table will be fine, as long as we dine together daily.

Must like Nancy boys, for I am not very masculine. And size better not be an issue. On the bright side, I'm like the energizer bunny ... I keep going and going and going - whether you want me to or not ... hopefully you are an endurance runner rather than a sprinter.

********

I believe they wrote this after listening to my Alfalfa Was Right He-Man Woman Hater's Club oral reports ...

... I cannot attest to its truth or lack thereof, although the ideal woman described remarkable resembles Crazy Rich Girl That I Almost Married. Oh, wait, she only had two kids ... I guess there really isn't any resemblance after all.

"Let's talk about our relationship"

How many times have all you guys out there heard, "You never want to talk about our relationship"?

Please, don't answer all at once, the noise is deafening.

Or, in what may seem like the diametrically opposed conversational direction, heard your date say, in response to something you've told her about yourself, "That's a big red flag!"

I'm not sure who popularized that phrase, by my best guess would be Oprah, the queen of pseudo-self awareness.

I've come to call this attitude in the women I date "Oprah Self-Awareness."

Joe Willy, fellow founding member of the Alfalfa Was Right He-Man Woman Hater's Club describes it thus: "If her self-awareness was a river, it would be a mile wide, and an inch deep."

For, it's not really self-awareness. It extends as far as understanding what one wants from a relationship, but not so far as to understanding what one has to offer in a relationship.

How better to make this plain than to declare that something you've discovered about me is a "red flag" to the success of our relationship? What that tells me is that she is spending all of her time examining my past and my behavior to see if I have something to offer her, and none of her time examining her own past and behavior to decide if she has something to offer me.

This is, of course, (club members, you should be able to repeat this in unison by now) because all women assume that, "of course we have what you want, but it's up to you to prove that you have what we want."

But, I digress; back to my original point, which is not nearly as diametrically opposed as one might think: "You never want to talk about our relationship."

This is an almost universal complaint among women. That is, until you decide you want to talk about your relationship.

Have you seen the cell phone commercial where the couple is at dinner and, she says, "I need to know where this relationship is going"? She becomes angry when the guy ignores her to ask why he has to pay for incoming calls.

Try asking a woman that same question, and you will get a whole different response. Some examples from my life:

"Why do you have to analyze everything? Why can't you just enjoy what we have?"

"That seems like a pretty serious question, after all, we've only been dating (and sleeping together, and sharing our lives with each others' children) for six months."

"This is making me uncomfortable. We were having fun, why do you have to break the mood?"

"I'm just not ready to leave my husband yet. You need to live with that, or we can't continue."

In my experience, every woman I have been with becomes very uncomfortable with questions about the relationship. My theory? Because they feel they are the cruise control in the relationship. They determine the speed at which it progresses - or doesn't progress - because (again, club members, in unison):

"It's all about what they want and need, not what we want or need."

Oprah self-awareness: watch for it in a woman near you.