My female coworkers said my internet personals profile was too sweet and sappy, so I asked them to write one for me. Here it is:
Self-Centered Metro-Sexual Writer Desperately Seeks Rich, Refined Woman To Support Him
She must have at least 4 children and want more children with me. She must enjoy being pregnant and be emotionally needy.
She must listen to my every word intently, and put me on a pedestal and worship me constantly. She must be financially able to provide the lifestyle to which I am accustomed, yet not complain about my freeloading.
I need someone with a high IQ, but not one that exceeds mine, which is impossible, since mine is so high.
We can discuss your faults, but since I have none we won't be discussing mine.
Since I am going through my mid-life crisis, I'm trying to impress women with my flashy sports car and speed boat, so don't complain when I spend every spare moment polishing them.
I prefer a tall blonde but a short brunette with green eyes will do if she is hot enough. Age is not important, but I prefer someone who looks like a high school cheerleader and will role play.
Unacceptable women are the following: Weight over 120 pounds (because that is all I can carry to the bedroom), red or brown hair (especially with brown eyes), country girls, women that speak their mind, or women who have an opinion different than my own.
I prefer a long term commitment preferably after the first date, but a one-night stand is not out of the question.
I prefer someone who has a ravenous appetite, and likes variety in the menu, but anything you bring to the table will be fine, as long as we dine together daily.
Must like Nancy boys, for I am not very masculine. And size better not be an issue. On the bright side, I'm like the energizer bunny ... I keep going and going and going - whether you want me to or not ... hopefully you are an endurance runner rather than a sprinter.
********
I believe they wrote this after listening to my Alfalfa Was Right He-Man Woman Hater's Club oral reports ...
... I cannot attest to its truth or lack thereof, although the ideal woman described remarkable resembles Crazy Rich Girl That I Almost Married. Oh, wait, she only had two kids ... I guess there really isn't any resemblance after all.
Self-Centered Metro-Sexual Writer Desperately Seeks Rich, Refined Woman To Support Him
She must have at least 4 children and want more children with me. She must enjoy being pregnant and be emotionally needy.
She must listen to my every word intently, and put me on a pedestal and worship me constantly. She must be financially able to provide the lifestyle to which I am accustomed, yet not complain about my freeloading.
I need someone with a high IQ, but not one that exceeds mine, which is impossible, since mine is so high.
We can discuss your faults, but since I have none we won't be discussing mine.
Since I am going through my mid-life crisis, I'm trying to impress women with my flashy sports car and speed boat, so don't complain when I spend every spare moment polishing them.
I prefer a tall blonde but a short brunette with green eyes will do if she is hot enough. Age is not important, but I prefer someone who looks like a high school cheerleader and will role play.
Unacceptable women are the following: Weight over 120 pounds (because that is all I can carry to the bedroom), red or brown hair (especially with brown eyes), country girls, women that speak their mind, or women who have an opinion different than my own.
I prefer a long term commitment preferably after the first date, but a one-night stand is not out of the question.
I prefer someone who has a ravenous appetite, and likes variety in the menu, but anything you bring to the table will be fine, as long as we dine together daily.
Must like Nancy boys, for I am not very masculine. And size better not be an issue. On the bright side, I'm like the energizer bunny ... I keep going and going and going - whether you want me to or not ... hopefully you are an endurance runner rather than a sprinter.
********
I believe they wrote this after listening to my Alfalfa Was Right He-Man Woman Hater's Club oral reports ...
... I cannot attest to its truth or lack thereof, although the ideal woman described remarkable resembles Crazy Rich Girl That I Almost Married. Oh, wait, she only had two kids ... I guess there really isn't any resemblance after all.
posted by James Hitchcock at 5:05 PM
3 Comments:
Dude, you should get with the whole NaNoWriMo phenom. With the amount of content (read into that: angst) you post on your blog, you should be able to produce quite the novella by month's end. The best part is (if you write fiction) you can choke her at the end of your book if you want! (If you write strictly non-fiction, you may have to actually choke her to keep your work factually accurate.) Check it... www.nanowrimo.org. Cheers!
Typical women. They could have made it short and sweet-
Wanted: tall, thin, hot blonde with fierce intellect but yet always yielding to my superior knowledge. Willing to go down on me like one of those artificial fountain birds that keeps dipping its head in the water. Librarians and yoga practioners preferred. Ass must be able to fit on a dinner plate.
A good summary, but you forgot the most important point: "Must be just like the birds that return each year to Mission San Juan Capistrano."
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