Apparently, I'm not the only one with who digs librarians. This article is taken from riverofdata.com , and begs the question: what is it about a tall, thin blonde in a sensible cardigan standing behind the reference desk that makes me want to undress you using my teeth to remove each button from your sweater, one by one?

The Image of Librarians in Pornography

Librarians are always concerned about their image, and much attention has been paid to that image in novels, television programs, and advertising. However, there has been little attention paid to that image in pornography. I presented a paper on this topic at the 1990 Conference of the Popular Culture Association / American Culture Association in Toronto.

This survey of hard core pornographic paperback novels covers 49 books published between 1978 and 1988. As most have been purchased in the western United States or by mail from western distributors, west coast publishers predominate. There are undoubtedly many other novels of this type that have been distributed in other parts of the country or that have escaped the my notice; for example, other hard core novels may describe libraries but lack titles or covers suggesting that fact.

In all of these novels 90 percent or more of the text is explicit description of all types of sexual activities. The remaining passages that describe a setting and characters are the subject of the annotations. Unless otherwise noted, all of the novels contain passages describing vaginal, oral, and anal sex in a multitude of positions, and lesbian sex. The characters, most frequently female, portrayed as librarians are always library employees, but may actually be paraprofessional, clerical, or student assistants.

The libraries described include public, academic, high school, and special libraries of a variety of types and sizes. Some library descriptions seem to have been written by librarians or by regular library users, as they're quite realistic; other authors have apparently never even been in a library. The annotations further describe the characters and settings, give a brief plot summary, and provide information about sexual activities other than those mentioned above, such as male homosexual sex, bondage, violence, rape, and animal sex.

Titles include:

* Bang the Librarian Hard. PP7315
* Campus Lust. SH/105
* Chained, Whipped Librarians. BH8197
* Degraded Raped Librarian. BH8203
* Eager Beaver Librarian. GR2411
* Eager to Spread Librarian. PP7351
* Eager Young Librarian. PP7354
* First Rear Entry. HGL 103
* Helpful Head Librarian. PP7480
* Horny Balling Librarian. PP7091
* Horny Hot Librarian. CB4345
* Horny Licking Librarian. PP7245
* Horny Peeping Librarian. AB5443
* Hot Bed Librarian. DN458
* Hot, Licked Librarian. DN492
* Hot Loving Librarian. GR2387
* Hot Mouth Librarian. GR2365
* Hot Pants Librarian. TB1011
* Hot to Trot Librarian. PP7190
* The Hottest Librarian. LL330
* In Heat Librarian. PP7087
* Lash the Librarian! BB109
* A Librarian Enslaved. BB101
* The Librarian Gets Hot. CB4517
* The Librarian Got Hot. PP7403
* Librarian in Bondage. LB1238
* Librarian in Chains. LB1117
* The Librarian Licks Big Ones. LE106
* The Librarian Loves It. CB4545
* The Librarian Loves to Lick. CB4564
* The Librarian Slave. LB1302
* The Librarian With the Hots. DN 473
* The Librarian's Boys. MST-104
* The Librarian's Hot Fun. AB5489
* The Librarian's Hot Lips. PP7095
* The Librarian's Hot Urges. GR2382
* A Librarian's Training. BB129
* Licking the Librarian. AB5379
* Line Up for the Librarian. AB5287
* Naughty Voyeur Librarian. PP7273
* Nympho Librarian. YW-128
* The Oral Librarian. DN 485
* Overeager Librarian. PP7270
* Raped and Roped Librarian. LB1106
* Sally - Sexy Librarian. ILL-1017
* Sex Behind the Stacks. LL0338-R
* Three-way with the Librarian. PP7079
* What a Librarian! GR2468

Diana was a princess ...

A new relationship book for women hit the shelves recently It's titled "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken : The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, also the authors of "He's Just Not That in to You."

So, first the authors had to explain to women that there may just be a guy out there that doesn't see her as the perfect mate, and now, how to tell if he is trying to break up with you.

Only a woman could be so self-absorbed that she would not consider that a guy doesn't call because he doesn't dig her, or that he might actually be trying to break up with her.

After all, didn't daddy always tell her that she was his special little princess, and any guy would be lucky to have her?

I've run into this attitude more times than I can count since I began dating again after my divorce. Women see the first date as a job interview - for me. They question every aspect of my life and past. When I try to ask them questions, they brush them off, or in once case, actually told me the first date was a time for her to get to know me.

"After all, you asked me out," she said, "so you are already interested in me."

Wait a minute, she decided to go out with me without knowing if she was interested in me?

Of course she did. I saw an on-line advice column in which a writer complained she kept scaring off men by moving too quickly. By the third date, she was wondering if he was "the one." The advice columnist said she needed to relax, and look at dating not as a gateway to romance, but just a way to make new friends and have fun.

Of course dating is just a way to make new friends and have fun ... when you aren't paying.

I shell out, on average, $75 to $125 for a date including dinner and drinks. That's a really fuckin' expensive way to make new friends.

I don't know about you, but I have a two part deal with a friend: First, when we go out, we each pay our share. I might buy a round, and he might buy a round, but by the end of the night we are pretty much even. Second, we don't end up in bed together at the end of the night, no matter how much we've drank.

Any woman who lets a guy take her out, and lets him pay, with no intention of romance is being dishonest. Now, before you women jump all over me, I'm not saying you have to sleep with me just because I bought dinner. But, there really is an implied contract here. I'm buying you dinner, or taking you to a concert, because I have romantic feelings toward you.

If you have no interest in me romantically, you damn well should pay your own way.

Any woman who thinks that she is such a joy to be with that men are willing to pay just for the pleasure of her company is drastically overestimating the pleasure of her company. I have never met a woman whose company is so stimulating that I would pay just to enjoy it.

And, she is drastically underestimating the intentions of her date, unless I don't know men as well as I think I do.

And for those of you who think you just might be worth it, I'm writing a sequel to "He's Just Not That In To You." It's called, "Diana was a Princess, You're Just Another Piece of Ass."

"Everybody Loves Raymond" Except his Bitch of a Wife

If I were ever to miss my ex-wife (other than the sex, not likely), all I would have to do is turn on an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" and watch the way his wife uses whatever tools at her disposal to manipulate and denigrate the man she supposedly loves. It feels just like being at home.

Typically the plot goes like this: She asks him to do something, then when he does it, complains that he didn't do it right, or that she changed her mind, and didn't really want him to do what she had asked, but something else instead.

In one episode, frustrated by their noncompliant daughter, she asks him to disciplline the kid, he does, then she gets upset because now she has to follow through on the discipline.

She decides they need a parenting class, drags him to it, and then Ray does a better job of active listening, so she gets mad about that, too.

So, Ray gets laughs by walking around looking dumfounded as he tries to figure out the woman he loves.

The woman who doesn't give a crap about how he feels, assumes her feelings are the most important consideration in any situation, and has no reservations about browbeating him for whatever real or imagined way he has slighted her.

When she's the one who slights him. Over and over, episode after episode.

It reminds me of an on-line advice column I read, in which a woman wrote that she was so frustrated by her husband because he worked two jobs to help put her through school, and he still tried very hard to help around the house.

Where's the problem?

Oh, when he helped with the laundry, sometimes he didn't do it right. Or he didn't clean the house the way she liked. Or didn't put the dishes away where she wanted.

Talk about looking for thorns in the rosebush.

It never ceases to amaze me that, no matter how good she has it, a woman can find something that could be better ... and then acts like her life sucks if she doesn't get it.

Another one of the major plotlines in "Raymond" is his bumbling efforts to get his wife to "put out."

She acts like she finds him disgusting, and has little or no interest in having sex with him.

He complains that she never initiates sex, and she says, "What about last week when I asked you to give me a backrub?"

Wait a minute ... if she wants sex, why isn't she offering to give him a backrub? (as an aside to all the ladies reading - if any made it this far - the best way to initiate sex with your husband is to shake hands with Mr. Johnson - he won't misunderstand that clue.)

Comedy is funny because people understand it. They've lived it.

My ex would withhold sex to control me (not conjecture, she admitted it at the end). Any slight, whether real or perceived, might be used as an excuse. I found myself practically begging.

But, conversely, I had better be ready any time she was, or I would have to listen to hours of being accused of cheating on her.

I finally had enough, and quit asking. After about three weeks, she came to me, and I said, "No." She went through the roof. After she had screamed and yelled for about an hour (can any guy out there imagine how it would be received if we screamed and yelled every time our significant other said "No"?) I finally told her, "I'm done begging for sex from you. And, if you treat me like shit, and then want to have sex, I'll say no. I don't need to humiliate myself to get laid."

Things changed after that. For a while.

The funniest thing was that we had more sex than ever during the month between when I told her I wanted a divorce, and when I actually walked out the door. What was that all about?

An epilogue:

After I left, I was seeing a very tall, thin woman. When my ex (five feet tall and fat until I left her) found out, she felt the need to tell me, "You should probably be with a more petite woman."

"Why's that?" I asked.

"You were always enough for me, but you might not have enough to satisfy a taller woman."

She then went on to tell me, "Oh, by the way, I now have independent confirmation that I'm good in bed."

"Having a freakishly tight vagina does not really qualify you as 'good in bed,'" I told her.

Two things I've realized since my divorce:

1. Love and hate are not really opposites. They actually lie very close to each other on the continuum of human emotions.

2. I don't have to humiliate myself to get laid.

Oh, and one more thing, in my defense, I now have several independent confirmations that I do, in fact, have enough to satisfy a taller woman - just in case you were wondering.