I love fresh-caught crabs

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Dear Readers,
While we search for Biff, our editorial director has offered to step into Biff's shoes, and promises to answer your questions with as much humor and insight as our fearless publisher ...

Crabs are easy to find
in New Jersey

Dear Biff

I am from the midwest, and will be vactioning out east this spring, and I was wondering if you can tell me where I can catch crabs in New Jersey?

Signed,

Matt, from Battle Creek


Dear Matt,

My friend Joe Willy called a friend who lives in Mt. Laurel, New Jersey, and he says, "On just about any street corner."

I'm not sure what this means, but Joe assures me it's very funny.

I hope this helps,

James


We are at day 45 of Biff Watch, and our most recent reader sighting was near the Horn of Africa.

We are still asking our loyal readers to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. The really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan came back and he said,

"Tell dat Daisy boozehound he's in da dutch wit Shy. Da big man don't care dat Biff's on a nut, he wants his vig for them Gs Biff put down on da bangtails, and if Biff don't cough up the cabbage soon," he'd be "back with Roscoe, and dey'd start spittin' metal." And, he said, "Chin-time was done; even tho day useta drink from da same bottle when day was in da bit, bizness was bizness," and Biff "better be heeled next time I sees him, or he'll end up aired out in a Chicago overcoat," and that he "didn't care what schmoes went on da trip wit him."

At least that's what I think he said, I was writing as fast as I could, and when I asked the guy to repeat himself, he said,

"Ya dumb as well as queer, palooka? I gots no time ta bump guns wit you, jus' give Biff the message, or your tits'll be in da wringer, too."

I have not idea what any of that means, but I think it has something to do with Biff being gay, or something.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing

Oh, and PLEASE ... BUY OUR BOOKS!

Biff Watch, Day 35

Where in the World
is Biff Humble?
Uploaded by James Hitchcock

Our readers have a rather peculiar sense of humor ...


Dear readers,

Since I posted the entry "Red Flag Publishing needs your help! We can't find our publisher, Biff Humble," we have been flooded with reports of Biff sightings.

Some of them are serious, and some of them, -ahem- let's say, not so serious. Unfortunately, those that were not so serious were most likely to include photos:

I said, "he may be sporting
several days' beard growth"
Not, "He looks like
a homeless John Huston."

Our first photo, from a reader in Boston, appears to be a really old guy who resembles what movie director John Huston might look like were he living on the street for several years and eating rats. This is definitely not Biff, by about 30 years and a thousand lice.

Remember, I said Biff "has been gone for more than three weeks," not "he's been living on the streets most of his life."

Biff is not an old
English fart, either

Second on the list is one sent by a UK reader. Bad news: Biff is also not some Brit plonker who looks like his idea of a brilliant Saturday night is a six-hour solo piss-up capped by wanking his willie whilst looking at PR glossies of the Queen Mum taped to the loo wall, and fantasizing that he's busting his knackers in her arse.

Another Brit wanker

Our next entry, from the Commonwealth of Virginia, is nothing but the image of Sir Walter Raleigh from a tobacco tin.

Come on, show some ingenuity, people.

Not Biff, either, but getting closer

From a reader in Kuwait, we have this wonderful example of ... I'm guessing not active military, but maybe a reservist?

While too fat, and a bit too old to be Biff, at least this is a more likely place to find him. But, while Biff does seem to have an affinity for war zones, any place that does not allow alcohol quickly falls from the list of likely locales where he might be found.

Frosty the Biffman

These next two from Midwestern U.S. readers, are really disappointing.

Come on.

The "Biff Clause" in our
publishing contracts

How much effort did you expend for these entries?

15.026 seconds on a Google image search???

The holidays are over. Pack away your holly berries 'till next year.

Biff on a cold morning?

Our last entry this week is from a reader in Georgia who either completely misunderstood the assignment, or was watching The Squid Billies while reading my post, and missed an important part of the search.

I said, Biff is "prone to smoke a pipe," not ...

Uhhhhhh, well maybe this reader is actually the most brilliant one of the group (sort of like saying he's the brightest Special Ed student), because Darla just leaned over my shoulder and said, of the bunch, this photo most closely resembles Biff - at least on a cold morning.

So, we are now a month into our Biff Watch (I hear Fox News is working up a logo), and we are no further ahead, thanks to our smartass readers.

Again, we are asking you to keep an eye out for Biff. He should be easy to spot: he's over six feet tall, late 40s, prematurely grey hair usually greased back, and prone to smoke a pipe. His personal hygiene tends to slip when he's off on one of his trips, so he may be sporting several days' beard growth.

If you see him, please snap a photo or get some video, and send it to jehitch@redflagpublishing.com, along with information as to where and when it was shot, so we can track him down.

Please, we need your help. Our computer nerd has hacked the password to the Cayman Islands bank account, but this really scary guy in sunglasses and a black sedan keeps dropping by to ask for Biff, and he's really creeping me out.

Thanks,
James Hitchcock
Editorial Director
Red Flag Publishing