Rudolph gets a raw deal

My favorite thing about this time of year is watching the special holiday programs on television.

Especially the ones that I watched as a child, which continue to make their annual appearance sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I watched my favorite of all the specials, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, for probably the 41st time this past Wednesday on CBS.

Now, perhaps I'm a little slow, but this year it just struck me that the message of the show is not nearly as nice as I always thought it to be. Just in case there is anybody on the planet who has lived in a cave from mid-November to the end of December every year since 1964, this is the plot of the show, in a nutshell:

Rudolph is born with a glowing red nose, for which the other reindeer ostracize him. Hermie, one of Santa Claus' elves, is also ostracized because his career aspiration is to be a dentist instead of a toy maker.

They run away from the intolerant North Pole society and embark on an adventure that lands them at the Island of Misfit Toys (the residence of such losers as a Jack in the Box named Charlie, and a toy train with square wheels).

They go back to the North Pole to tell Santa about these toys, so he can find homes for them, only to find Rudolph's mother and his girlfriend are lost. They set off to find them, battle the evil Abominable Snowman, and defeat him when Hermie, the elf-dentist, pulls all the creature's teeth, rendering him harmless.

They return to the North Pole, only to find Santa is planning to cancel Christmas because of a terrible storm. Santa realizes he could see through the storm with Rudolph's shiny red nose lighting the way, and now Hermie and Rudolph are heroes, welcomed back by the very people - well, actually elves and reindeer - whom had once wanted nothing to do with them.

What a nice story.

Gosh, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Except the real message here is that it's O.K. to be different from the rest of society only if that difference makes you exceptional.

Now, I hate to be one of those leg-warmer-wearin', spotted-owl-kissin' liberal wimps that think every children's story should be a message of acceptance and tolerance. But, this particular story, masquerading as just that, teaches a very different message.

It teaches that it's O.K. for your parents to be embarrassed by you; for your teachers to penalize you; and for your classmates to torment and exclude you, unless you can prove to them that your shiny red nose does, in fact, have a valuable use.

Rudolph's sad tale has many of the trappings of another case of discrimination based on a physical handicap: the story of the Ugly Duckling.

Only, in that case, it is not a single physical deformity that causes society to exclude an individual, but just a general lack of good looks.

Oh, but there is hope, for after a miserable childhood, the Ugly Duckling hits puberty, and suddenly grows into a beautiful swan.
Great, a happy ending for all concerned. The ducks no longer have to bear the pain of looking at someone who does not meet their aesthetic standards of beauty; and the newly beautiful swan can now date gorgeous supermodel swans that wouldn't be caught dead dating a duck.

The problem is, in the real world ugly ducklings don't usually grow up to become beautiful swans, they just grow up to be ugly ducks.

And there's not much hope for an ugly duck in this story.

As an aside, swans might be pretty, but they are just about the most nasty-tempered waterfowl that you will ever meet. Don't get too close, or they'll peck your eyes out, kid.

Editor's note: My apologies to anyone who read this when I originally published it in a newspaper three years ago, but I am known to occasionally resort to plagiarism of myself when I can't think of any new ideas ...